We have all been there – standing amidst the rubble of something we thought was unshakable, only to watch it collapse unexpectedly and beyond our control. Whether it’s a relationship breaking down, a career falling apart or losing your sense of direction, setbacks are inevitable, some unbearably more painful and shocking than others. But let’s be honest: rebuilding after setbacks is hard. There will be days when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom—again. Days when you think, 'How can I possibly recover from this?', that’s part of the journey. You have to allow yourself to feel the weight of it, acknowledge how tough it is, but also trust that the process will eventually lead to growth. But when you’re faced with the challenge of rebuilding your life after a major setback, where do you even begin?
Circles of Control
When a setback hits, it can feel like everything is out of control, especially when you are experiencing more than one. After leaving my teaching job and my 6+ year relationship broke down, I then had to sell my home, all my belongings, undream my wedding plans, became self-employed and lost everything I had worked so hard for. I have never felt so lost and broken in my entire life. The sudden changes and unfamiliarity of new environments and the need to redefine my familiar left me questioning whether I had any control over my life at all. In the process of rebuilding after setbacks, I learned that acknowledging the chaos is the first step toward regaining that control.
Stephen Covey’s model imagines your life as a set of concentric circles. First is your Circle of Control: these include things like your thoughts, actions and how you respond to situations. Surrounding that is your Circle of Influence, where you have some say but not total control—like work dynamics or relationships. Finally, there’s the Circle of Concern: things you care about but can’t directly change, like world events or other people’s actions. These are the things that are out of your control.
I remember lying in bed in a new country, overwhelmed by everything I couldn’t fix. Trying to find a why, when the why wasn’t there. Never mind comprehending the how. I am thousands of miles from home because the striking reality of ‘home’ being a feeling is truly redefined when you don’t physically have a home anymore. What really is in your control right now Tyler? Some days, it was as simple as choosing to go for a walk or deciding not to give in to negative thoughts. Slowly but surely, I began to feel a sense of agency again.
The hardest part is accepting that some things really are out of your control. I had to learn not to waste energy obsessing over what I couldn’t change, instead, focusing on the small things I could change. It was, and still is, a daily practice, a challenge at times too. There are mornings I wake up feeling defeated, but knowing I have even one thing I could change that day—no matter how minor—gives me some comfort and grounding.
Embracing Change and Moving Forward
Change can feel like an enemy when you’re not the one initiating it. After one particularly difficult setback, I found myself in a place where change was the last thing I wanted. I felt like everything I loved, that I had invested in and that brought be so much comfort had been ripped away and without reason- it hurt, tormented me in fact. There were days I couldn’t see beyond the pain and I felt stuck. Undeniably, I went through a long period of depression and stuck became all I knew. Staring out the window crying for hours every day, not moving, not eating and sometimes not even getting out my bed for days on end. But in the midst of that darkness, I realized that I had to start the process of rebuilding after setbacks, even if it felt impossible at the time.
That’s something we don’t talk about enough: it’s okay to have days where you feel like there’s no way forward. These feelings are part of the process- the key is to not allow them to become weeks, months or years. At some point, you have to decide to take a step forward, no matter how small it is. Sometimes, that step might just be getting out of bed. Other days, it might be applying for a new job or trying something different. Or in my case, booking that one-way flight ticket and working it out as I go.
Change, whether we like it or not, is inevitable. The question becomes, How do we embrace it? For me, I started by just sitting with my emotions. I was heartbroken, scared, withdrawn- instead of running from those feelings or trying to force optimism, I allowed myself to feel everything fully. My gosh did I (and still do) feel every single one of my emotions, fully.
When I began to accept change as part of life, I found myself asking, “What can I learn from this?”. It wasn’t instant—it took time, and there were setbacks within the setback. Some days, I take three steps forward and then slide five steps back. But as I reframe the situation and have started seeing change as an opportunity for growth rather than punishment, things slowly shifted.
Reconnecting with Your Inner Child
It might sound a little odd, but reconnecting with your inner child can be incredibly powerful when you’re rebuilding after setbacks. The reason? A lot of our fears and responses to setbacks come from unresolved childhood experiences.
This isn’t the post to be delving into my childhood- we can connect with that another day. Growing up, I felt like any failure meant I wasn’t good enough. So, as an adult, when something didn’t go as planned, I immediately spiralled into thinking I had failed as a person. It was only after I began exploring inner child work that I realised how much of my present-day responses were tied to those early beliefs. This is something I still work on every day.
Inner child work doesn’t mean blaming your upbringing for everything, but it does mean acknowledging how those early experiences shape your current reactions. It’s about being compassionate towards yourself and healing from the past. For me, this meant spending time reflecting on those years and recognising the impact which I can now meet the needs of as an adult. Some of us ‘grow up’ way too quickly, some of us may never ‘grow up’, only our actions as adults can break the cycles that no longer serve us on our path.
Self-Compassion as the Foundation of Healing
If there’s one life skill that should be a priority after any setback, it’s self-compassion. When you’re in the middle of a difficult moment, it’s so easy to be harsh on yourself. The “I should have done better” thoughts can be overwhelming. I’ve spent many sleepless nights replaying events and convincing myself of more failures in my mind than there even were, believing they defined me. However, as I embarked on the journey of rebuilding after setbacks, I realized that being kind to myself was essential. Instead of focusing on my perceived shortcomings, I started to acknowledge my efforts and recognize that mistakes are a part of growth.
But here’s the truth: you deserve compassion, especially from yourself. Learning to practice self-compassion was a turning point for me. On my hardest days, when I thought I’d never bounce back, I started asking myself, “If my best friend or sister was going through this, what would I say to them?”, then I tried to speak to myself with that same kindness. It comes back to how difficult self-love is to master, but you deserve that love.
Being alone and spending so much time with myself now has left me in awe of the power our inner monologue has on our thoughts, therefore our day. Positive and compassionate self-talk (yes, I have been talking aloud to myself more times than I should admit) is crucial in rewiring your thought patterns. Just think- who will you always have to be with? Yourself. People will walk out of your life- YOU are stuck with YOU, so make it a good person to be with.
It’s not always easy. There will be times when you slip back into self-blame or harsh criticism. And that’s okay—because the very act of noticing and shifting is an act of self-compassion.
Building a Support Network: You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
This is probably one of the hardest realisations for me. I have always been hyper-independent and someone who has always prided myself on just getting on with it, no matter how much it hurt. In my head, if no one knew, no one would have to worry, I wouldn’t be a burden. But after some major sequential setbacks, I realised that leaning on others wasn’t a sign of weakness—it was a life-saving strategy. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy picking my support network but some people will make the decision for you. You have to accept that those who you think would support you, may just turn their backs, likewise, those who you may not have thought were there will shine through. My circle has always been small, more of a triangle- I love them to their cores. But remember too, there is a circle around that of people cheering you on and would be there if you reached out. My point is- you are never alone. Rebuilding after setbacks or a loss is tough enough—doing it alone can feel impossible.
There were moments I felt so low that I couldn’t see a way out. It was during these times that reaching out to friends, family and even professional support made all the difference. This year was the first time I pursued therapy- the beautiful thing about having therapy in my support network is that I know I am not a burden. I am paying someone to do their job and they are supporting me from a place of expertise, not opinion or emotional connection. This helps get the balance right and removes my inner-child fear of becoming too much. A support network is not about expecting others to fix my problems but allowing myself to be vulnerable and let people be there for me.
Rebuilding with a Growth Mindset
Cultivating a growth mindset became a cornerstone in my rebuilding after setbacks process. There will be times when you’ll fall back into the “I’ll never recover” mindset—it happens to all of us. Growth happens when you believe that setbacks are just stepping stones to future success. I won’t fill you with toxic positivity, that’s not what I am about—it is going to be hard, yes, but you have it in yourself to push through, even when it feels like you can’t. Some days, it’ll be like wading through mud and you’ll wonder why you’re even trying. On those days, it’s important to remind yourself that rebuilding is not a linear process. There will be progress, then setbacks, then progress again.
A growth mindset encourages you to see mistakes not as evidence of failure but as opportunities to learn. The reality is, you’re going to mess up along the way. I messed up countless times trying to get my life back on track, I still do. There are moments I am convinced I’ve taken two steps back for every one forward. Finding answers is hard and sometimes you won’t find them. But over time, it becomes easier to see the lessons, even in the hardest, darkest moments. You might break down, you might want to quit, but every mistake is shaping you into someone stronger, more resilient.
This isn’t about pretending everything will be fine overnight—it won’t. But little by little, you start to build a mindset where even the most painful setbacks have something to offer. The growth mindset helps you realise that failure is part of the journey, not the end of it.
Closing thoughts About Rebuilding After Setbacks
Rebuilding your life after a major setback is messy. It’s painful. Some days, it feels impossible. But one thing I’ve learned is that setbacks don’t define you—it’s how you rebuild that matters. You may feel broken right now, but every crack is where the light can shine through. It’s in these moments of feeling completely undone that you have the chance to start over, to build something even better than before.
We all have different experiences and perspectives, we may never truly understand what someone else is going through but we can certainly spread kindness and compassion.
Embrace the journey, lean into the discomfort and trust that each day, no matter how small the progress, you’re moving closer to a fresh start. You will stumble, you will doubt yourself, but know that every time you choose to keep going, you are rewriting your story. Each small step forward, even if it’s just getting out of bed or choosing to ask for help, is part of your resilience. You’re stronger than you think, and on the hardest days, remind yourself that you’ve survived 100% of your worst moments so far. You’ve got this.
Loved this post. I found it very moving, as well as insightful. Thank you for sharing it Tyler! I look forward to seeing more blog posts in the future…