Self-Care: Expectations Vs Reality
The term 'self-care' holds a realm of stereotypes, expectations and questions that interrogate its reality, purpose and benefits. The important thing to remember is that self-care is unique and defined by you. It is about recognising your physical, mental and emotional needs and establishing boundaries that accept and appreciate your worth.
Arguably, by nature, anything related to ‘self’ carries a stigma of selfishness, thus a detachment from understanding and pursuing it. Maybe I am just talking for myself as someone who prioritises the happiness of others… because that’s what makes me happy. But with that does come an element of self-neglect, something I, only recently, came to acknowledge at face-value. Neglecting yourself, in any form, to take care of someone else may seem like the greatest gesture of love, but by not prioritising yourself poses inner emptiness, a form of self-abandonment.
The ever-developing notion of self-care can be overwhelming, especially when immersed in a cyber-culture of delusory luxuries, but the key lies within: you. Self-care doesn’t need to be complicated, sometimes it can be an action now to help your feel relaxed later, like making your bed. It shouldn’t mask or distract from your stress, it’s about coping and addressing your stressors, rather than trying to heal them.
We can all have good intentions for ourselves and aim to execute a ‘perfect’ self-care plan, though be mindful in what is best for you and what your best looks like can be very different from one day to the next, that is okay. There are many external factors and unpredictable stressors that can misalign your intended focus. With self-care, sometimes you have to lower the expectations of yourself- balance what makes you happy with achievable, realistic goals for that day. We need to break this pressure cycle of expecting everything to be wholly achieved each day… Rome wasn’t built in a day!
Undoubtedly, we have all tried a ‘self-care’ activity that made us feel refreshed, refuelled temporarily, but it was in fact just that, an activity. Self-care does require routine: simple, habitual choices that are responsive to your ever-changing needs and growth. Think of self-care as a journey, just like life- what is right for you now, won’t be next year!
Let’s break down some highly-promoted self-care ideologies- an analysis of expectations versus reality…
Rest
As a child, early nights were always deemed to be a consequence for poor choices. Now, they are in fact, the best gift, from me to me. You’re welcome Tyler. It is so important to listen to your body. If you’re tired and it’s ‘only’ 8pm, just go to bed. Yes, we all have things that need to be done. Take the clutter-free aesthetic and home pride- let’s remember, we all have good and bad days, days where clearing that pile of laundry is just one thing too many. This doesn’t mean your self-care should come after the latter. After all, your productivity levels will be nil compared to the well-rested version of you, everything always gets done, just not on an empty you. Self-care is about knowing your body. I’m an early bird, struggle to function at night so an early night for me works; some of us are night owls, but this shouldn’t come at the cost of your required 7-9 hours of sleep per day, whatever time that shall be!
Taking Bubble Baths
It always amazes me how many people on social media portray the epitome of self-care to be an aromatic, hot bath with bubbles cascading over a roll top bathtub in candlelight… wine in hand?! Don’t get me wrong, a hot bubble bath is most definitely a reality of self-care for me, more of a routine. I appreciate this is itself is a luxury for many. Time to keep it real- no perfumed bath bomb or detoxing bubble bath is going to dissolve away all your stress or scupper your racing thoughts. Plus, not only is drinking alcohol in a bath dangerous for your health, it connotes the need to drink to feel relaxed and well- a J2O is suffice. Just having a bath, you know, the one that requires multiple temperature checking, resulting in standing outside the tub with a permanent-looking pair of scarlet socks until you try again to find it is now too cold but decide to accept this fate and enjoy it nonetheless… this is still self-care. Taking time for you.
Hobbies
Just doing something you enjoy is an act of self-care. Besides my undeniable passion for travel, I started with something that makes me feel good, purposeful- making plans and writing. I embraced this alongside my creativity and published My Mindful Moments and that’s just the start of what is to come! Pursuing a hobby is an investment in yourself, something which should be prioritised, even if it is as little as 10 minutes of your day. Whether it be drawing, knitting, sports, gardening, singing… you name it, if it makes you happy, do it. Sometimes hobbies can be seen to pose a burden on your schedule, but if that’s the case, is it really a hobby? Sure, take up a new class, find passions you never knew you had, just don’t follow the trends to try and fit in.
Food & Drink
There’s no doubt this is my favourite area of self-care, potentially yours too. Right now, my mind fills with the thoughts of fruit platters, smoothie bowls and coffee. But, self-care can be as simple as just eating. It is incredible, scary really, just how much stress and grief can affect your body- here’s the girl who lost a stone within 10 days, unintentionally, just because eating was just one responsibility too many. Part of me is ashamed of that. We can only live and learn. Equally, self-care doesn’t mean overindulgence- we would all love to eat our favourite foods to our hearts content, the sad reality here is… it most often is the bad stuff that tastes so good! It is all about balance. Reality check- even just having a cuppa is self-care, so before you read on… go get yourself a nice cup of char!
Digital Detox
The irony… seeing everything through the lens of perfection can lead us to feel our lives, goals and routines are somewhat inadequate because they just don’t reflect what we fill our minds with from social media. It is easy to forget that behind everything we see, there’s still a person there, living a life, experiencing its waves, feeling emotions, just trying to do what is best for them. Here, it is all about balance. We hear ‘digital detox’ and feel a surge of guilt, don’t. I find some incredible motivation and inspiration on socials at times I need it the most, but too much of this just leads to an endless comparison and reminder of where you are right now, rather than how far you have come and everything you’re destined to be. Sometimes, just being present, wherever that shall be, is more than enough. Try giving yourself allocated digital detox time, before we all turn into robots ourselves!
Exercising
This word is very much like marmite… you either love it or just squirm at the thought. I think this is more in the assumption that there has to be pain to have gain! We see a world of influencers who spend endless hours and fine dollar with personal trainers and fitness challenges built for the already-fit, I take my hat off to them. Exercising for self-care really just means feel-good movement. For me, it’s about going for a walk, dancing around the kitchen or practising yoga. I’ll be completely honest, some days ‘corpse pose’ is all I can manage, but I remain proud nonetheless! This is also an area of self-care I am becoming more open to explore as I evolve into a better version of myself each day, watch this space!
Going Outdoors
To say I’m a fan of our beautiful planet is an understatement. Getting a daily dose of fresh air and sunlight can have a significant impact on your mood and motivation for the day. Taking time outdoors doesn’t mean you have to be somewhere exotic or assign the entirety of your day to this alone (if you can- do it), just consider what this looks like as a maintainable, achievable goal for you. The best adventures are usually those unplanned- just stick on your trainers and take a lap, you’ll be surprised what you stumble upon just a stone’s throw from your doorstep! That being said, being outdoors doesn’t have to come with a need to exercise, just sitting in your garden (again, something I didn’t have for years) reading a book or tending to your garden will do the trick.
Reading
Reading. It’s magical. You may think, ‘Obviously she’ll say that, she’s a teacher’ but hear me out… Reading is learning. Learning is knowledge. Knowledge is priceless, transformative and is influential on your mental health- that is just the beginning! When you think of reading as self-care, you may visualise motivational, self-help books, maybe because this is the prominence of its purpose, but this most definitely does not have to be the case. Reading doesn’t just have to be a physical book, though nothing beats it, but sometimes having one available at all times may not be pragmatic. I’m a huge advocate for spending time away from screens wherever possible, but reading is reading. Lose yourself in place that makes you happy, inspired, read something that makes you feel part of another world, just for a moment. Just taking this step back can actually be a huge step forward.
Socialising
Just because it says ‘self’, doesn’t mean you have to be alone to prioritise your needs. It is important to surround yourself with the people who make your heart full, your presence wanted and your true self appreciated. Nonetheless, you will disappoint some people when you prioritise your self-care and undoubtedly some of your boundaries may scare people away. That’s okay. Let them go. These words from Jim Rohn have always resonated with me, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Have you ever been around people who either suck the life out of you or fill you with so much motivation that you feel you can conquer the world or even those whose kindness and warmth seal the cracks of your insecurities even just for a moment? Being social as a form of self-care can be as simple as reconnecting with a friend over coffee. We need to remember that socialising doesn’t need to involve mass, just quality.
Closing thoughts...
For me, self-care is about starting with what you know makes you feel good and using this to explore new ways of doing so. I find my inner monologue becoming a series of questions- Why do I feel this way? What do I need right now? Am I happy with this? Is this what I really want? All of which form a puzzle-piece in reconnecting with myself, in a way I didn’t even know was missing or needed. The dreams I have but the doubt that hinders me. The security of comfort at the cost of happiness. It is about being the best version of you, even if your best looks different on those messier, cloudier days. Remember, self-care doesn’t need to reflect unrealistic societal or social media expectations, it just needs to be effective and responsive to you. Just you. As they say, self-care is the hardest to do when you need it the most. Your life a year from now will be a result of what you choose to do and prioritise right now. Intentionally act like the person you want to become. Use your energy to believe, create, grow and heal. The lifelong journey of self-care walks in hand with the journey of self-realisation. You control both.
This is a great read Tyler. Very thought provoking and so important to include this into daily life, but as you mention, we always choose self care as a last resort after we have carried out our busy daily routines.
This read has inspired me to try harder to look after myself especially as I’m feeling exhausted most days and feel a strong need to slow down a little to help make my daily tasks less daunting.
Thank you Wendy! You’re right. I hope you find the time to prioritise you, you’ve got this! Just take one day at a time.
WOW!!! That’s the truth right there.
Truly inspiring , inspirational and just plain beautiful words spoken.
It’s never too late to make these changes even if it helps yourself become the person you you want to be.
Thank you- I couldn’t agree more!
Wise words Tyler! All so true and so important. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re inspiring so many (including me) 😊
Thank you Liz- that makes my heart full!
Dearest Tyler,
“Always follow your passion. It brings fulfillment in life”
You are such an inspiration and a beautiful soul, as long as you are writing, I am reading. I love this!
Such wise words Lisa, thank you, I am most grateful.
Beautiful Tyler 💕
I needed this, thank you. I hope you’re doing ok 💫
Beautiful writing that resonates.
So much truth and wisdom in your words, Tyler. Self-care is something many don’t recognise as a need, but it is. It’s necessary for us to be the best versions of ourselves and there should be no guilt associated with that.
Keep inspiring!