Self-Love: Why Is It So Difficult To Master?
Self-love- the phrase that undoubtedly makes us all cringe inside, if even just a little. You may ask, what even is self-love? Love ourselves… it sounds so simple?! Self-love is the foundation of self-care, it is the intentional prioritisation of our happiness and state of wellbeing. There is no denying that genuine self-love is the key to acceptance, gratitude and success. It enables us to nurture and respect our growth, no one else’s, ours. But why is it so hard to do? In a world where we are supposedly brought up to care for and give love to others, yet often we don’t know what that looks like for ourselves. Arguably, self-love is one of the hardest, most rewarding challenges in life.
Self-Love: Why Is It So Difficult To Master?
Comparison
As humans, our survival involves masking our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Naturally, we live amidst an expectation of always having to be better or have more. People will always want and try to show their best self. We are smothered by media and filtered worlds where the ‘norm’ is blurred and somewhat undefined, yet seems flawless and the epitome of perfection at the same time. When these high standards are not met, self-criticism intensifies, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy. This vicious cycle undermines self-love, as individuals feel unworthy of accepting ourselves, flaws and all. The truth is, many of us will always strive for more: some will work for it, some will dream about it, some will expect it, some will just have it handed to them on a plate. That’s just how it is. But the truth of the matter here is that someone will always wish they had what you have right now. For many, your life is already the dream- a home, a job, a family, health, a meal… so let’s bring that back to ourselves. Why is it important to not compare to master self-love? Put simply, no one truly cares because no one truly knows you. Only you know what you need to be happy: fulfilled. Comparing yourself to someone else becomes inevitable but don’t allow it to be controlling. Self-love involves being your authentic self and appreciating the good in it. If we continue to compare, then we continue on this endless, downward spiral of depression. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Don’t let your self-love be another.
Influence
I can only talk for myself here and assume it resonates with others but self-love involves protecting yourself from the opinions and acceptance of others. Let the positive in, shut the negative out. It can be very easy to let negativity from those around you influence your inner self-talk, thus your outlook on self-love. I’ve been guilty of this my whole life, I’m getting better at it but for me, this is the hardest obstacle in my self-love journey, for sure. No matter how honest, kind and compassionate you are, everyone you meet will create a different version and opinion of you based purely on the snippets of your interactions, their perspectives and a dollop of others’ opinions that got there before you did! So love yourself no matter what, because no one knows or sees the real you. You need to be your very own cheerleader and worshipper. You deserve that. Channel your energy into being everything you want to be for yourself, no one else. Do you want that doughnut? Go have it and enjoy every single calorie. You want to dye your hair bright pink to show the world you… you do it. You want to… do it. Because your happiness matters. Your happiness is self-love. Remember- as much as anyone tries to know the real you, only you feel your feelings to the depth and rawness of their being. Some days will be easier than others, that’s a promise. Some days people will test you, some days the world will test you. Breathe it in, let it go. You do you.
Anxiety
It is important to understand that we haven’t all grown up with the same societal pressures, life experiences and perspectives. Many a time my family would share anecdotes or whip out printed photos of their youth with only their storytelling to bring it alive. These days, everything you do, say, wear or even don’t is in the spotlight, inescapable and permanently evidenced. Social media was up and coming whilst I was at school, people had it but it wasn’t the driving force of popularity and acceptance. In fact, I used to think that self-love was just another term for describing someone with such high confidence and vanity that they thought they were better than everyone else. Someone who looked down on those who didn’t look like them or have what they did. The kinds of people I certainly didn’t want to be around. So I honestly had no desire to love myself, nor be seen as such by others. That’s where I had it so wrong. I had and still have such an undeniable zest for life and what it has to offer despite the pain, setbacks and uncertainties it inevitably holds for us all. Anxiety is arguably the rival of self-love. Anxious individuals often set unrealistic expectations for themselves, striving for perfection to avoid potential triggers for anxiety. When these high standards are not met, self-criticism intensifies, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy. This vicious cycle undermines self-love, as we feel unworthy of accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all. These negative thought patterns feed into a spiral of self-doubt, eroding the very foundation of self-love. As the cycle continues and these thought processes become embedded, it becomes increasingly challenging to break free from the grip of anxiety and foster self-compassion. Listen, we will go through times where we feel unlovable and there will be days where the thought of self-love is just too much. Self-love doesn’t need to be fancy, it just needs to be responsive to what you need right now. If that’s a quiet space, a nap or a bath. Then that is your self-love for the day.
History
When someone knocks you down, it is always ten times harder to get back up. For me, my memory isn’t great in recalling details of events of memories, but I always remember how somebody or someone made me feel. That’s my guiding force. We learn to love others because that’s all we’ve ever known. As for many, childhood was a rollercoaster yet I remember vividly skipping through the corridors at secondary school with the mantra ‘Love Life!’… to the point it was even my photograph caption in our leavers yearbook. Though I stay true to that, I still hold on to things like ‘Your smile is too big’, ‘You can’t sing’, and ‘Your stomach sticks out’ woven in with countless high school nastiness and bullying that sweeps us to its end. Yes, I have a big, wonky (and gummy) smile, no I’m not a popstar (but try telling my hairbrush that), yes I can rock a food-baby most days… and what?!
Negative experiences can have a profound impact on our self-esteem and self-perception. Instead of acknowledging that these experiences are separate from their inherent worth, we internalise them, leading to yet another obstacle on the path to self-love. Our past and present anxieties are often formed from fear of judgement and rejection, leading us to believe we may not be good enough to attain all of our aspirations. This ingrained fear can hinder the ability to practice self-love, as we often seek external validation and approval, neglecting our own needs and desires in the process. Forgive yourself. We all mess up, we all say and do things we wish we did differently. That’s just hindsight, there’s beauty in it. But that’s a lot of baggage to carry. Put it down and make room for you, loving you. Faults and all. Taking risks in pursuit of growth and happiness is a must. We often fear making mistakes because we just want to do things right: we want to do it right for our family, we want to prove ourselves, we want to. But we often don’t pursue risk or challenge because we are scared of getting it wrong and wading through a fog of disappointment and shame. Mistakes are just proof that you’re trying. Unless you try, you’ll never know and never grow!
Closing thoughts...
So, can you really master self-love? While the concept of ‘mastery’ (a teacher buzzword) implies achieving perfection, it is crucial to understand that self-love is a lifelong journey and an ever-developing process, rather than a destination. Mastery, in this context, does not mean eliminating all self-doubt or insecurities, but rather cultivating a deep and genuine sense of acceptance, compassion and appreciation for who we are, regardless of our surrounding influences and anxieties. Self-love is hard because it requires us to reflect and look within. To not only recognise our faults and what has shaped us, but to embrace it all. Maybe it is just the teacher in me and our education system instilled in my psyche telling me there’s always something we could do better or more of. Inevitably, the harder we look, often the more we find. Self-love is truly our only forever love. The components of self-love are like a lifelong to-do list (I know I’m not the only one who gains immense satisfaction ticking off a to-do list), a continuous reflection of what is needed to be your own best friend every single day. What you do today to show yourself the kindness and love you deserve, may not be what you need tomorrow, in a week and especially not in the years ahead. It is a dynamic process that requires patience, self-awareness and a willingness to continuously work on our self-perception and self-care. Prioritising your growth and self-discovery involves recognising our inherent worth and treating ourselves with kindness and understanding. While it may not be possible to eliminate all negative thoughts or emotions, we can learn to navigate them with greater self-compassion and resilience. So let that sink in. You are a on journey- the journey of life. It’s important to remember that everyone’s journey with self-love is unique, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Some days may be easier than others and setbacks are a natural part of life itself. The key is to approach self-love with an open heart and a non-judgmental attitude towards ourselves. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Find something small in every day to love about yourself and put yourself first.
